“They say that competitive eating is the battleground upon which God and Lucifer waged war for men’s souls, my friends! And they are RIGHT!”
And thus, with a thunderous response to Emcee George Shea’s welcome message to the thousands attending the Annual July 4th Nathan’s Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest at Coney Island — this thing was ON!! We were just minutes away from the starting gun on the contestants gorge-fest, so I had to make my wager pretty quickly.
During this tradition, which takes place every Independence Day in Brooklyn, NY, the contestants and the crowd well know that the world may be laughing at a bunch of loud, unrestrained, obnoxious rubes doing something quintessentially American. The beauty? No one gives a shit. It’s all pride. For this contest is about as American as Janet losing her nipple shield at halftime during the Super Bowl. Maybe even more so.
ESPN announcer Jeremy Schaap and Major League Eating (MLE) President Rich Shea are in the broadcast booth on the call. They can hardly contain themselves:
Shaap: “The conditions, frankly, they are IDEAL! High 70s. Humidity not too bad. Niiice breeze coming up off the North Atlantic.”
Shea: “I’ll tell ya, this James Webb, the Aussie from Australia, is on a tear this year. He has six MLE wins — he’s coming in with MOMENTUM!”
But sideline reporter Tiffany Greene says not so fast. She’s got a Chicagoan she’s high on:
“Well, guys, you can’t sleep on Pat Bertolletti. He’s downed 55 hot dogs, which is the best and most of any in the field today, back in 2011. He’s looking to eclipse that number more than a decade later. He says his weight is down, he’s practiced his technique, he’s in a great mental space and instead of finishing second, he believes he can bring home that Mustard Belt.”
That’s right. This is a sanctioned sport. And that’s right, everyone here views it as an actual sport. So don’t you dare make any comparisons to them about WWF wrestling. A barrage of French fries may be pocking your face before you’ve even squeezed the words out.
Now, there’s some controversy at this year’s Nathan’s competition: The reigning champion, Joey “Jaws” Chestnut is not appearing. After Joey made an endorsement deal with a plant-based meat company, chaos ensued. We’re not sure if the had to drop out or was forced out — but he ain’t here. And that means the world is getting ready to watch a wide open contest for the first time in years.
An aside: my friends and I found this entire tradition to be so utterly fantastic and hysterical when we first watched that a week later I mailed an official Joey Chestnut Nathan’s jersey to my friend Todd. The laugh would have been worth three times what I paid.
During these contests, most people enjoy watching the actual stuffing of the competitors’ faces with hotdogs and buns (“HDB,” for scoring purposes). I grant you, that part is hysterical, and you’ll see some of that in the adjacent videos.
But for me, perhaps because I was a former sports broadcaster, the absolute seriousness with which the play-by-play man and color analyst describe the action is positively HILARIOUS. Shapp and Shea should receive Oscar nominations; or at least Emmys. Keeping a straight face alone should be worth a salary bonus from ESPN. And Rich’s brother George, on stage and announcing the contestants — is the funniest part of the entire day. Here’s one of George’s boisterous, tongue-in-cheek introductions (and I would really recommend watching the actual video atop the article):
“He was four beers deep, sitting on his couch, burping Chinese food, and playing Final Fantasy Seven Dragon’s Death Slaughter, when his girlfriend said, ‘I don’t think this relationship is working.’ And he experienced an almost physical reaction of pure euphoria! Because this meant he could focus on competitive eating with no distractions. And so he HAS! Ranked #9 in the world, with 32 world records, 21 pounds of grits, 275 jalapeño peppers, 55 hot dogs and buns, from Chicago Illinois, the great, Patrick Bertolleti!”
Okay, I decide that’s my man. This odds are 8-1 on him and he’s from Chicago. Gotta be Kismet. I’ll throw $40 bucks on Pat. Who knows.
The women’s competition comes first; overeaters can still be gentlemen. The reigning champ, Miki Sudo, gets off the blocks fast and never looks back. No one’s coming close to tasting her lead and she holds the #1 position wire to wire. As she sails to victory, and the guys are describing the stretch run, tears of laughter flood my eyes:
Shea: “Yesterday when I saw Miki in the lobby, she just seemed anxious. But Barbra Streisand says she gets anxious before every performance, so perhaps that’s just a sign of greatness. You take every game, every show, ya take it personally.”
Schaap: “Fifty-one dogs, that’s the official count, Rich. It’s like Wilt Chamberlain in Hershey, Pennsylvania.”
Shea: “A life affirming performance. I teared up at the end of that call, I gotta be honest.”
After a commercial break, the mens MLE event is up next. It’s a wide open race without Chestnut; anyone can claim the Mustard Belt AND $10K in prize money this year. The ghost of Joey Chestnut looms large…
The announcements of all of the contestants — and their showboating struts up to the stage in their Nathan’s jerseys is just monstrously funny. Some highlights…
Radeem “Steel Rod” Dvoracek
Derek “Heavy D” Hendrickson, Lord Greatheart, Imperial Potentate and Notary Republic in good standing in the state of Nevada”
George Chiger, “The Red Horse of Death, from Pocono Pines, PA. A man so evil they put him in prison in hell — hell prison!”
And so on… The crowd has gone berserk. The eaters are getting pumped. And now the 10-minute clock starts!
As the dogs and buns are being manhandled and shoved down the throats of these spectacular athletes, sideline reporter Nikki asks the women’s champ a technical question about why her fiancé, Nick Wehry, changed up his pre-routine by switching from heavy metal to non-instrumental music. Miki’s response:
“If anyone’s familiar with Requiem for a Dream, he was listening to that type of music, so, super emotion-evoking, very intense, very emotional. But that’s what this contest is for us.”
Not a hint of a smile. How do they do it??
Down the stretch, Schaap and Shea are goin’ nuts! My horse Bertoletti is not only winning — it looks like he’s going to set a personal record! Below you’ll see the video of the play-by-play finish (and you can watch the whole 10-minute contest here).
Bertoletti WINS! The scrappy muncher from the Windy City takes home the Mustard Belt and the 10 thousand smackers!
Rich Shea is apoplectic with joy, and he becomes almost poetic about the day’s events:
“I’m just so stoked to be here, I don’t want to be anywhere else right now. I wanna be right here in Coney Island, cuz I love America, and it’s Independence Day — THIS is the epicenter of patriotism.”
Well, and overeating. In the broadcast’s waning seconds, Emcee George Shea says to Pat:
“What an incredible performance! I’ve never seen you so in-sync, how do you feel?”
In Patrick’s answer, a mini-wenie of wisdom:
“It was all focus today. I wasn’t going to stop eating until the job was done.”
‘Merica.
MICHAEL GOLDEN is a national award-winning journalist who has covered the NBA, NHL, MLB and NCAA basketball. Major League Eating is by far his new favorite sport.
