Never Married. No Children. Not Bad!

"My friend really wanted me to get married and have kids, so I could experience the kind of joy she had in her life. But she never asked whether it was something that I actually wanted."

To get a free E-Copy of Michael’s new book, Staying Alive, and to keep receiving ALL content from The Golden Mean in 2025 — subscribe to the TGM annual plan!

Cousins!

The wife of a political candidate I managed 20 years ago had a habit of meeting any new woman I was dating and immediately saying to her: “Y’know, Michael would be a great family man — if only he would just settle down.” When I say “habit,” I mean she did this at least three times.

I became close with this woman and her husband. When you lose two campaigns together, you either become family or you don’t talk again.

But never once did she ask me whether getting married and having kids was something that I actually wanted. She just cared about me and wanted me to have the same type of loving family experience that she had. “You’d be a great father!”

People who know me, even if it’s just casually through social media, find it surprising that I never wanted children. They get this impression because I never smile any wider than when I’m being completely goofy with my little cousins or my friends’ kids. There is scarcely a higher level of fun.

Hannah “Noosh” Oberman is the middle daughter of my friends Aaron and Alicia. Pictured here, circa 2013, she’s now at Denver University.

But being ‘cousin Mikey’ or ‘uncle Goldie’ is a far cry from having your own children — as any parent will tell you within a week of becoming one. I get to leave after I’ve gotten them all worked up. Parents have an entirely different life. Every day. But if you’re someone who’s planned it that way, the tradeoff — to the extent that one views it that way — is easy to calculate:

The added responsibilities of having a family and any limitations they exert on my individual freedoms will be far outweighed by the deep and fulfilling love that comes from long-term commitment and the joys of raising kids.

I always understood that bargain conceptually, I just never got around to wanting it. Not in a real way. The one time I got even close to getting engaged, with an intent toward having kids, was really more because I wanted to want it. A roll-the-dice kind of thing — and she could sense it. Not a great recipe for bliss, nor at all fair to someone you love.

In our society, the majority of people get married and have kids. We grow up within some form of nuclear family; it’s the first thing we’re influenced by. Add to that the fact that the concept of “family” has been one of the most revered institutions in our culture for centuries, and it naturally points us in that direction as we move into adulthood.

Some folks might say that living the kind of life I live is “selfish.” By the very definition of my lifestyle, which is centered around taking care of myself versus taking care of other little “me”s, that observation is technically accurate. That said, there are a whole lot of other ways to love and give to the people you care about — and to the world — without having children. You can find them every day without even looking.

I’ve heard other folks say that becoming a parent is not a completely a selfless act either, as one begins experiencing unconditional love on day one. Then there is enormous personal fulfillment in seeing the development of your kids. In watching the you in them, both in terms of biology and the values you’ve worked to instill in them. What a huge upside.

Either way, as a guy who’s about to turn 58 and who’s not been married or had children, I sit in quite the demographic minority. Like others in my cohort, I’ve been asked the “why” question many times. I don’t mind answering it, or even being judged. The older I’ve gotten, the more settled I’ve become in who I am. Plus, the people who make snap judgments about others usually end up saying a lot more about themselves.

But beyond my own personal choices, something interesting has been happening over the last few decades in America: A trend where more and more adults are losing interest in having children or rejecting it altogether. This trend applies to marriage as well.

According to a 2024 Pew Research Survey, 30% of 18- 34-year-olds without kids aren’t sure if they want children, and 18% say they do not want any. As well, in 2021, 21% of nonparents under 50 said they were “not too likely” to have kids” — up five points from 2018. In that survey, 56% of the respondents said the reason was that they “just don’t want to” (men expressed wanting children more than women by 12%). A full quarter of millennial and Gen Z adults say they do not plan on having children.

Source: Pew Research Survey, Oct. 24-Nov. 5, 2023.

While research tells us that a variety of reasons exists for this increase in choosing lifestyles that do not include children, and that financial pressures most certainly play a role, there is also just a change that has occurred culturally in our country. A Pew Survey in 2023 revealed that 67% of young adults “don’t feel much or any pressure from their parents” to have children and 73% don’t feel pressure to get married.

Pew also reported the following about attitudes toward marriage:

“Among all adults ages 18 to 34, 20% say being married is extremely or very important for people to live a fulfilling life, and 22% say having children is extremely or very important. For comparison, 68% say the same about having a job or career they enjoy, and 62% say this about having close friends. There are no gender differences in young adults’ views of the importance of getting married or having children.”

I have a ton of respect for anyone who decides to become a parent and puts their children and family at the center of their lives. It is axiomatic that even under the best of circumstances, raising kids is incredibly hard work. Yet I don’t think I’ve ever met a parent who didn’t say it was well worth every minute. Beyond. And I am all too aware that they have experienced a profound type of joy and fulfillment that I cannot know.

At the same time, getting married and having children is just not for everyone. Beyond some of the practical considerations that have been affecting these decisions of late, there are also just a lot more people making this choice strictly from the soul.

In spite of my need to manage my ‘manic mind’ (which we all need to do to some degree) — most days I really love my life. I’m pretty good at having fun. And it’s been interesting in ways I could never have imagined as a kid. I feel lucky.

It takes all kinds.

MICHAEL GOLDEN is the cofounder of One Million Degrees, a national award-winning journalist and the author of four books. His latest, Staying Alive, is available for free with a new annual subscription to The Golden Mean!

SUBSCRIBE NOW!